Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
