We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
