Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
