she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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