areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
