he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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