that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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