he wants to bone in the snuggie
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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