happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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