I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
