Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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