im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
