I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
