dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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