You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
