Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
