Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
