my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
