i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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