ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
