You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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