batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
