We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
