The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
