my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
