I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
