she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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