Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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