Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
