If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
