u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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