Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
