Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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