I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
