I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
