I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Randomize
