My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
