im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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