You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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