you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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