drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
