in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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