Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
