I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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