Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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