Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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