But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
