i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
