I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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