I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
