come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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